And though it may sound cold to put it like this
My tears moonwalk back to my eyelids
Cause I get so sick
Of the sickness he gets
From the dirt cheap cigs
That he sticks on his lips
Was a time when his kids
Got a goodnight kiss
Now we men and women
Get frustrated
Every time he flips the lid
Of his hard-pack cigs
Sending sounds
Through the house
Of a coffin hinge
My tears reverse step
Up the cheeks they were wept
Cause I got no concept
Of promises kept
My tears they were wet
Now my face burns red
For addiction that led
To a cancerous spread
And the worst? Picture this
If you can in your head
I feel this way
As I crave
My own cigarette
I give myself time limits
Set aside a few minutes
And like a mother of five
I gotta schedule time
To think about this shit
To feel about this shit
Because I’ll be damned
If this young man
Hasn’t seen this shit before
Knockin’ down doors
Beggin’ everyone I know
Tell me where to go
‘Cause I get so low
I have my face to the street
And all I can see
Is what’s there beneath
So I ration off time
To drift to my
Darkest acknowledgments
Of this:
He has cellular cancer
They cannot cure it.
He has less than a year to live.
And your whole world is about to change
The roles have been made
Up all over again
Now it’s up to him
Say next where to go
A father’s still your father
Cancer or no
And when you light up that smoke
Your heart drops so low
Because that's what he chose
And it’s not supposed
To be the road
You go
And I’ve been here before
My senior fuckin’ year
Small town queers
Just didn’t appear
The be a real
Choice
Too much noise
Over one little queer
Only thing clear
That’s different here
But I fear
Mom and Dad said through tears
The deadline was near
They were movin’ out here
Into the small town sphere
They made it clear
That they had no way
To create
Money that they
Would need to pay
All the bills that were here
So 'We're sorry, dear...
But come with us or stay
Either way
We leave today"
And my senior year
Had just got severe
So I chopped off my balls
Turned off all
The lights so to call
A sleep
From deep
Inside of me
That would graduate early
And not take his walk
And turn to the streets because he was taught
That all you need
Is creativity
And yes indeed
You are a hippy
And between Dad and me
There was nothin’ could be
Sweeter
So I tried to chase free
Until I was to meet
My tail
And well, hell
Sometimes to stand out
I stood so far out
That now I’d found
A different crowd
And they smoke weed and they drink
And everything that I think
Is amazing
But you begin
To descend
And the lines all blend
I woke up mid-bend
Over but then
Stopped asking him
About good intentions
And told him to come pick me up
With mom in the truck
That enough was enough
And that I wanted
To come home
And I began to refuse
What I know I could do
But didn’t have a clue
As to why I would do
When it’s easier to
Not
I stayed in my bed
Every now and then fed
My growling insides
But mostly I
Just slept
I kept
Myself in sheets
Asleep
For nine months
And long story short
I got back on course
And now I move towards
Better days
But there is one thing
Making me think
That this new news
Could cause an abuse
To what I rescued
From the claws
Of a previous depression
And this one strikes a cord
That for me is still sore
Because the vocal cords
That were stored
Down below
Got caught up in cancer
And now I can’t hear him say
“Son it’s bout time I tell you today
I’m sorry that I taught you this way
That a pack a day
Won’t steal you away
From a mind you just got
To satisfy lots
Of dangerous thoughts
Into obey.
I raised you this way
Was raised this way
And inside me was hope that you’d speak someday
From a place that was real
Maybe made a few deals
With the devil for meals
But never revealed
That your fingers were crossed
All along
I took my life and I took my time
Now you seem just fine
But we both know inside
You scream out those rhymes
Until you can find
That place in your mind
Where everything’s fine
And I’m sorry if I
Have helped you decline
Back into a place
You worked hard everyday
To escape
I’m sorry you seek
From everybody
Advice how to beat
This addiction disease
And god knows that I see
What it’s done to me.”
Now he can see
Now
He can see.
When I came up to his knee
Skinny as could be
11 maybe
There was a time
When my father went blind
In his eyes
Said he’d never see again
Said he needed a cane
Cut to present day
He throws glasses away
Because they
Are too much for his eyes
He is just fine
With reading glasses
But now he’s lost his voice
And he’s got no choice
But to see and not speak
And more than ever, to hear
I leave my words at his ears
And turn my crazy shit
Into something sounds like a proud boy of his
With eyes that sit
Inside of a kid
Next to ears that hear
Like it’s
Delicious
And a mind that can say
I made a mistake
Got put the Camels down
Stand up off the ground
Dust off, and look round
And see the world of his
Has changed a bit
And now that its
My time to live
I can tell that it’s…
Been a minute
And time’s up for today
I’ve got to retreat
Spread the tears out for as a long as I need
And pick my place
Like I never was strayed
Get back to going, but I have to say
It might seem odd to ask him to stay
When it’s clearly his time anyway
But as smart as I know I will be someday
For now I get caught lost and I pray
That he’ll be able to bargain himself the days
It takes to convince me it’ll all be okay
I know where I’m headed for now anyway
And I know I can trust myself not to stray
But I’m headed where I’m headed
Because he made me this way
