This is the hour I need
The most
I need the most from someone
The most holding
And patting
And soft, murmurs of reassurance
That I can get
This is the hour that I need
To experience the most
Because no matter when this hour comes
It always comes when I am alone
It is the worst
And it haunts me like nothing else
And it always comes.
This hour
So I sit here
And I realize
After smelling his t-shirt
And looking at old pictures
And wondering why I have enough estrogen to hate this feeling
But not enough to cry
I realize
That I am not alone
In this depression
Because this is not a new depression
It isn’t one of modern medicine
And there is nothing I can take
Nothing I can
Discuss using ‘I statements’ with a therapist
That will make it go away
Until it is ready
And I realize this while listening to heartbreaking instrumentals
“Nadia’s Theme”
“Wings”
“Pucchini’s Waltz”
“Eyes on Me”
This
Heartbreak
This thing has been around for centuries
This thing has been around as long as love has
And suddenly the room is filled with
Allen Ginsberg, Andy Warhol, Ani Difranco, Alexander the Great, Aileen Wuornos
Lucile Ball, Lysistrata
Oprah
Nadia, Nathaniel Hawthorne, Nancy Sinatra
Ellen Degeneres, Ellen Barkin, Elizabeth Taylor
And I do not feel alone
I know they are with me in this struggle that does nothing
Other than place me in a category of humanity
Where my only option is to mourn the loss
Of what I was still planning
Hoping
Of doing with my lover
And the loss
Of what I was planning
On doing
In my own life
Before he came
And went
And knowing that now is a time to analyze what I am
And what I am not
As made certain by this inevitable journey
Then get back to what I was planning
On doing
Before he got here
Before I left
And since I’ve come
To this new place
Filled with the faces
Of invisible broken hearts
