Lauren

I keep listening to break up songs 

Not to feel better about us

But to pay attention 

To what has already been said 

So I don't end up 

Plagiarizing 

When I sing your ass away

And get you off my chest  

Enrique

You got me to write again 

And I wanna thank you

But I've got it from here 

And if I didn't get you started 

With something again

I hope I helped you to start

Something entirely new 

Fortune

The moment when
You feel like you need to speak with a psychic
The most
About what you should do
Is the exact moment
When you know exactly
What it is
You are supposed to do. 

Raining

All they told me about California
That I actually believed
Was that it never rains
And now it's been raining
Since I got here

They told me love was magic
And that it knew no rules
And then Dear Abby
And advice columns
And older, wiser divorced generations
Gave me a list of what was
Healthy
To expect
And unhealthy
To do
In a relationship
They changed love
To
'In a relationship'
And all of a sudden
It was some mixture
Of a science class
And a cock-fight
Reading statistics
Placing bets
And hoping for the best

They told me love was a completion
And that that was not true
They told me love conquers all
But to leave when something needed conquering
They told me trust is what makes love
But trust no one

They told me being alone was lonely
But that you need to be alone
And loneliness was terrible
And I deserve the best
So give myself the best
But lonely is the worst
So here I sit more confused
Than lonely
And just sort of pissed
Smoking outside of a bar
Full of people trying to understand
This insanity
Spending hundreds
On drinks
For one another
And nothing
As though we are all just supposed to
Get it

So naturally I gave up
And I gave up again
I've given up a lot
Because we all do

And then you just happened
And I just jumped
And you never mentioned love
But I couldn't imagine you were talking about anything else
Because I loved the way you spoke
I loved the pictures of you
I loved where you lived
And what you aimed to create
You made me laugh
And your voice made me listen
Your voice made me listen
I'm not known for that
I just assumed you were on the same track
I just assumed we were both talking about the same thing
When you mentioned your lyrics
Or you talked about your band
I was under the impression
That you were courting me
Because how you could not see
That all of you
Is perfect
For me

I supposed I forgot to mention
I guess I was under the impression
That what I was assuming
Was what you thought too
And perhaps every mistake
An adult can make
Is contained
In that statement
And I'm sorry

So let me be clear

I want you
Entirely
I want us as a team
I want what you've got
For myself
And I want to watch you enjoy it, too
I adore your voice
Your witch hazel
Your words
Your past makes me curious
Your future makes me dream
Your skin makes me tingle
And your dick makes me blush
Your home makes me warm
And your hands make me melt
Your clothes make me comfy
And your hair is a goal
I mean it
I look forward to one day seeing it
As it is
In the morning
As big and unruly as you'll allow it to be
And I want to be close enough to you
To reach up and run my fingers through it
With your permission
And I've thought as much since you walked me home
Since the first time I heard you say 'dope'
I want to teach you how to be like me
In whatever ways you envy
I want to learn everything I can from you
And it drives me fucking crazy
Because I never said a thing
About how into you I am
Until well after
I told you
All the reasons
This might not work

But dammit
I get it
I get the confusion
How the rules contradict
And fits and starts
And the misunderstandings
I get that this is all the weather
And we can predict and understand
And look at the past
But the only real way to tell whats going on
Is to stand outside
And see if it's raining

I'm riding on the back of a wave trying to catch up
With some surfers who told me that there were no winds today
So I should give up
I did
I gave up
And when this wave first swelled
Under me
I disagreed
I was told there was no wind today
So I did nothing
I treaded water
And laughed when I should have stood up on my board
Now I'm just panicked
And jealous
And rushed
On the hind tale of this wave
Not pushing me forward
Not offering me a ride
But instead its a struggle
To get back inside

I'm trying
I'm sorry
I'm late
But I'm here
Look back behind you
See that I'm here

Because I want inside
I want this ride
I'm sorry if I
Took my sweet time

To bury the lead
On what it is that I seek
From what we can be
But if I may speak
Freely

I'm already hooked
And totally confused
About everything
Except for you
This man who

Is making me get it
The way that it works
Wondering what all
This screaming is for

Knowing that I can't predict the rain
Trying my best to chase
A wave
Kicking and breathing trying to save
The thing that pulls me
That I pushed away

Off My Chest

Here again I sit
So sick
Of this shit
I let myself slip
Into

Someone asks me a question
Expecting whatever I say in return
Will make them laugh
And instead I suck the energy out of the room
And send it into
That blank space
That's all over my face
I'm deflated
Because of you

I try to be cool
I try to live in the middle of the road
Let shit go
But the very thing that makes you want me
From the moment we meet
Is the very thing that makes you run
Within the first week
Intensity
But you have got to understand
That I am a mess
And I have no plans to clean anytime soon
I do not listen to the way that the rain sounds
And imagine a battalion of fallen angels
Bouncing off the sidewalk
And making street lights glow
Only so that I can turn around
And be totally 'chill, bro' about
The sexual energy
Of you pounding someone else
On your bed
And then expecting
Me to come lay
In his pussy juice
If I imagine stars are little bits of
Art
From the past
Lighting skies for the eyes
Of new hands to keep passing
The buck
Then why the fuck
Would you think I just
Go
With the flow
Of knowing
His hole
Was full of your meat
While you pumped your seed
Into the sheets
That you want me to lay on
While we cuddle to sleep
You do not get to choose
The extremes
Of me
You want the sun
Then you deal with the heat
You want the moon
Then you deal with me
If you want my passion in between sheets
Then you deal with my jealous fits on the street
If you want my heart to rest at your feet
Then you hug me close
And exclusively
Or you can be free
But be timely
With your decision
Because I am a mess and as you may know
When you look at your room and the clothes on the floor
Messes move quick


If you see a mess
And it makes you give up
If you see a mess
And it makes you uncomfortable
If you see a mess
And its not what you want
Then when the time comes
Just dont sign up

Dont make me believe
That you're going to push
Yourself to a place
Where you think of me
And what I must need
Consistently
Dont watch me do that
For you
And think how lovely a gift
And how unexpected
Like its a lovely gesture
And you're just free to enjoy
Its an agreement
That you'll do the same
I am not insane
For expecting your ways
To also change
From day
One

And if that is
Too much to ask for
Then when you see my beauty
At the art show
Hanging so perfectly
Admiring the chaos
In how crazy I speak
Do me
A favor
And keep walking
To the next painting
In the gallery
Because I am a mess
A big, complicated
Intricate, modern
Abstract
That you may just adore
But there is no room for
Me in your foyer

So stop
Trying
To take
Me
Home
Unless you know
Exactly where I'll go
In your home
Unless my mess
Compliments the rest
Of your nest
Unless your bed
Is a sacred resting
Place for your chest
To ask for my head
To come hear the best
Of what your heart beat
Has
To offer

And for God's sake
Before me becomes we
Keep your mess but
Change your sheets
For me

Suck

If you were a pipe
You would be cashed
Keep trying to burn
Shit from your past
But you need to see
The wasted rehash
Of once you once had
Just isn't lasting
It's laughable
It's tragic
You're pulling for more
High but you're crashing
Relax
It's natural
And it's not moving fast
But that's
Just that
The facts
So relax 

Writing Assignment

Write me a letter
That I can just ruin with
Tear stains
Give me something to look at
While I cover my lap in drops
From my eyes
And something to listen to
That tells me its ok to cry
That now is the time
To let the poses go
And ugly cry
Write me a letter about an itsy bitsy spider
And his journey up the spout
Then turn around and tell me
To bring down the rain
And wash the spider out

Longevity

You can write a paper
And I can write a poem
And yours will keep them talking
And mine will keep me going
And he can write a song
That makes me write a poem
His will kill me softly
And mine will help him know me

Slay

I'm in there
Like a dagger
Throwing laughter
At
Their gut

The Park

I don't have to tell you
About his skin
You already know the whole
Mocha brown coffee with cream
glistening in the sun bit
Its been said before
And I am sure you know all about
the tall dark and handsome
But let me tell you
How the sweat rolling down his neck
Onto his chest
took the wet from my neck
Straight down to my head
How the colors of the blue blue sky
And the neon vest
And the orange signs
And the white tank top
popped so bright against his skin
I can barely talk about it while standing
In fact, let me sit
Because when I talk about it
All the blood from my head on my neck
Goes to the head on my dick


He was digging
Working out in the sun
And when he pushed that shovel into the ground
You could tell the ground liked it
You could tell he had made a promise to the earth
That it would be in heaven
If it just let him do his thing
And he made sure every time he thrust down
That he went
Deep


And I was jealous of the earth
I wanted him
whoever he was
And more than even water that day
I needed him by the time
this 100 degree sun went down


He must have been from South America
But I didn't know where
Because I was just a gringo
And ignorant to geography
and while I see how ignorant that is
In this moment somehow it made me feel sexy
Not like dumb cum dump sexy
But sexy like
"Teach me, please"
I was open
for him to dig some holes
For him to fill them



His face was just so dark
And his eyebrows
So thick
And his lips
So wet
With sweat
That I wished
Belonged to me



and by the time he saw me
Giving him everything I had from across the park
His it was too late
Because his friend had seen me too




Thank God
And I really mean that
Thank God I had the place to myself tonight


His friend
My friend I hoped
Was even more encouraging
And the two of them exchanged laughter about me
From across the park
And it was not laughter with me
It was laughter at me
And I was rock hard
Thinking about the way I was being objectified
This was a time
This was a place
A context
Which is everything
In which I wanted it
I wanted to be ogled
Gracias



When I opened the door to my apartment
them following inside
The first of many times they'd follow me inside, I hoped
I was hesitant
Because who knew what the machismo deal was here?
But these guys. They knew why they were here
Which helped the language barrier
So little had to be spoken
As they ripped my little white boy clothes
From my little white boy body



"Yo quiero tu leche papi"
"haha! si mija?"
"si papi. mucho leche por favor"
"rico papi rico"



And that was the extent of what we needed to say with our mouths
From that point on they were busy


They had hair. Such hair.
Hair above their dicks -long and black
Hair on their balls -low hanging balls, full and swollen
Hair in the small of their backs
Fuck yes
Hair on their legs
Wisps on their chest
And the rest was just tight tight skin
tightened by the sun
covering arms and chests and legs and feet and fingers
that knew hard work
in a way that i had not



My body I was so proud of for
Its olive skin
was like a snow next to them
my hands I had worked so hard with
cleaning houses and lifting weights
it knew nothing of real work
because of the estrogen running just beneath my skin
But these two - they had nothing but testosterone
and plenty of it
Judging by the size of their nuts



And one by one
I took them into my mouth
As I sucked one into the back of my throat
The other undressed me
touched me like a sweet delicate thing
In a way I forgot I could even feel
And then we switched
And then they both stood above me
Looking down on me
Watching me
With both a begging for me to continue
And an assertion to keep going
This sort of welcomed bully look
Telling me
Hey buddy. I hope you are ready. This isn't going to be easy. And you are going to love it."
Not "but you are going to love it"
No No
"AND you are going to love it"



and I did
The smell of their sweat
Which I love
I am 'into that'
Was so overwhelming when I licked their nipples
And let me tell you
NOTHING sends more shivers to my hole
than the smell of a sweaty man
Far more alpha than I will be
a man who is clearly sweating because he knows
How much work he is going to do
Inside of me



As one slid deep into me
Asking for no permission
knowing how much was already implied
then I felt him take up every space
That I had to give
And he hit my spot
the moment he got
Inside



my back arched like a cat in heat
And heat was all I could think of anymore
I took his friend into my mouth
Because I moan pretty loud
And I needed something to muffle the noise


that's when the holy grail of three ways happened!
our rhythm synced up
It almost never happens
As one papi thrust into my hole
the other accepted my mouth
Then papi thrust his dick down my throat
and the papi behind me accepted my hole



I was like a swing set on the park in which I met these men
And it was my pleasure to watch them play
They congratulated one another
And took turns
For what seemed like hours
and I didn't look at the time
because what the fuck is time
just keep filling my spaces



I was obedient
I followed taps to my thigh when told to turn over
because, again, who needs words?


And when one shot inside me?
The heat got hotter
His cum was delivered in buckets
Like lazy painters working on the inside of me
not bothering with brush strokes
just throwing cans of paint all over
And he screamed
Which is a universal language
And then he let me taste him
and his taste was sweet
he had just been in an oven essentially
so it was no surprise he tasted like dessert


And his friend used that cum
all that seed
that leche, papi
as lube
and squirts of it came out of me
and onto his balls as he fucked me
it covered his pubes
like confetti
like someone broke a snow globe
and poured it all over his dick
And he loved the extra lubrication
The swing set had turned into a slide now
And I could all but here him cry "WEEEE!"


Until he too screamed
And it translated easily into English
though I knew exactly what it meant regardless
And the inside of me was no longer just painted with leche
It was doused in it
I felt like finally
on this balmy summer day
someone had opened up a fire hydrant
inside of me


and then I tasted him too
And he tasted like a treat too
but this time
with his friend's icing on top



I did not cum
I did not know about my dick until after they had kissed my cummy mouth
And left in a hurry
because who knows anything about the outside
in a time like that?


And I laid there wondering what the fuck I would dream of next
How could I come up with something new to want
Because they took the top of my wish list
And fucked it into pieces
In the middle of my mundane afternoon
They took me to the park
They took me as the park
And let me play

If I Were a Top

I was asked to write a top/bottom version of Beyonce's "If I Were a Boy". Here it is...

If I Were a Top

If I were a top
If thats how I was made
I'd roll out of bed in the morning, and wouldn't try to put on a show
It would not be a surprise
To catch someone's desire
And I'd walk just where I wanted
And I'd never feel hunted for it
Cause the hunting's for me

If I were a top
I think I could understand
How it feels to hold a pearl
I swear I'd have a better plan
And I'd sooth the burns
Cause I'd know how it hurts
When you look for some protection
From a house you both can live in
And everything you build just gets burnt

If I were a top
I would turn off my phone
Tell the bottoms that it's broken
So they don't see that I've got a new home
I'd put myself first
And make the rules and then go
Cause I know that they'd be patient
Doing what I say with high hopes (With high hopes)

If I were a top
I think I could understand
How it feels to hold a pearl
And build a house somewhere that would stand
And I'd kiss where it burns
Cause I'd know how it hurts
When you spend your life just building
Up a home that top can come to
But you find that you keep living alone

Its a little to late for you to come back
Try and tear down my walls
Then move on 'til you relax
If you thought you still lived in here
You thought wrong

But you're just a top
And you don't understand
How it feels to hold a pearl
Someday you'd wish that you had ever planned
You don't try to return
And you don't know how to earn
All of the love that they've been giving
Cause you're taking them for granted
And every house you lived in has burned

But you're just a top...

Something Old, Something New - for Christin

The stars we came from are heavy 

With knowing. 

So old. 

We borrow our lives for a brief whisper of time

Sowing ourselves into the earth

Time and again 

With a whip stitch 

And each time create 

Something new 

For them to know 

With Benefits

The sun gets ready like an old old woman
To put itself to bed
At an early hour, even in the summertime
Rubbing itself with some salve and turning on the nightlight
Thats when whatever it is that is inside of me
Starts to rise with the moon
There is something white inside of me
Something I have carried all day
Something I have protected like a penguin father
And guarded like a momma bird
It is within the part of me I keep the most warm
And it is the same color as the moon
It bursts out of me like a falling star
And every time the old lady sun goes to bed
It is ready to come out

So I make my way to the man I choose
The man I have auditioned
Though he didn't know it
The one who I have come to know
Knows what I know
To be worth knowing
Who I will know
In a biblical sense
When I get there

And when we meet we are still wearing clothes
We are full of casual conversation
But we know it is the first precursor to the beginning of the table of contents before even the dedication
That comes from the first chapter
Of our foreplay
And as I sit down my bag I look at what the day has done to him
He looks at how I behave at my resting state
And though we do not say it
We are taken back by the domestic simplicity of our everyday beauty

And then we kiss
And it starts as hello
We are still holding a bag
Or untucking a shirt
But whatever it was we were doing has stopped and really all thats going on
Is whatever is going on
In between our lips
And his taste a certain way
And mine feel different than his
And they are different sizes
And they are different ages
And they have tasted different things
And when they meet
No matter what it is we are thinking to ourselves
We know that we should keep quiet
While our lips exchange all of their stories with one another

So then he grabs my back
And then I grab his arms
And he feels for what I have worked on
And I feel for what I remember the last time we were here
And since our eyes are closed
We read our bodies like braille

And he pulls up my shirt
And I take off his hat
And there are some men that keep the arms down low
And thats fine if you are hooking up
If you are trying to fuck and go
But if you are here to make a night of it
If you want to lie in bed and smoke after
Then that is when you grab his face
You put your hand, softly around his ear
You fucking cradle his cheek
And you do it like a Disney Prince
Or you dont do it at all

You feel his hair
He feels you waist

And the clothes have come off
And you use the part of yourself that you use the most to communicate
To accept what his body has to say
You lick you bite you suck you kiss you tongue
Every part of him you want to know more about
You go back to the animals we once were long ago
And you use every sense you have to understand
Every last thing you can
About his body

And you stand there for a moment
There is always a moment
When you both stand there and just look at your two dicks
And how your abs reach down to them like gentlemen - noble gentlemen
Standing at the bottom of a grand staircase
And you respect in that moment
How fucking beautiful it is that between the two of you
There is bound to be a back and forth
Flow of power
Alpha and Beta
And one of you will lose
And one of you will win
And you will both enjoy the results
And you will both enjoy the fight
And you will both be satisfied
With the battle

And even if he fucks you
Even if you fuck him
You will wrestle
You will kiss in order to hold onto one another
More than you will use your arms

Even if you are submissive
Exclusively
There will always be a moment when you are still 'the man'
And you will look into his eyes and say
"Ok. I'm ready. I trust you. Come inside me."
And even if you only fuck him
Dominating all the while
There will be a moment when you stand there
In submission and ask him
"May I, please, with your permission, take you somewhere wonderful?"

And then he will
And you will guide him
Into a place that is wonderful
Inside of you

To put something inside someone
To let that someone in
It is an agreement to run
Hand in hand
Slower at first
And then with great speed
Up a never ending staircase
Until you can see the whole world
And then turn around together
And scream in joy as you slide
All the way back to earth
As you did once on the playground
As a child

Inside of all gay men
All men who fuck other men
Is a submission
Is a dominance
That wears many looks
It wears trucker hats
And fishnets
It wears scratchy beards
And clean shaven assholes
And it is dressed how it wants to be dressed
But it always comes to the same battle field
It is the only battle ever fought on earth
That is fought with grace
And filled only with pleasure
But it is a battle
You toss and turn
You flip to see who is on top
Heads or tails
Heads and tails
And the bed sometimes breaks
Because you are both men
And your shoulders are square
And your feet are big
And you have a thickness to you no matter what size
That only men have


And then no matter where you shoot your seed
You do it with the other person
You do it on or in or beside the other man with you
And that part of the both of you
That looks just like the moon
Shoots as hard as it can
Out of you
And into the world
And no matter where it lands
It grows something instantly
Something that feels like a starburst
And a starburst is new life
And then there you lay
Two whole new universes
Between the two of you
Under the sheets
While whoever lost the battle
Lays his head on top of the chest
Of the one now called Alpha
And he listens to the heartbeat
Of a man who went to the sky
With you


A man who went all the way up there with me
To shoot off stars together
A man who can always look up into the night sky
And know that one of those stars was my fault
And one of them was his
His star was my fault
And my star
Was because
Of him.

Empty Room

It becomes difficult to draw the line
Between mourning all of the deaths
And celebrating all of the new lives
Inside
My life
You have every right to miss me
During my transition
I have no right to wonder why you do
I miss me too
And most of all I miss you
And how safe we felt together
But if it helps at all
I've come to realize
That just like other people
Can drink and smoke pot and not
Hurt themselves
But I cannot
Maybe other people can be loved
And not hurt themselves somehow with that
But just for now
I cannot.
Anything that feels good
Can be bad.
What if I am healing from you, too?
It's crazy I know you didn't
Do anything wrong at all
But picture me clearing it all out
Having a fire sale on things that make me feel good
Drugs, sex, and even fitness...and you.
And then there I am alone in a room
just
Just me
In a room
Outside you sit confused
But I'm just there in a room
And all I have is me
I'm not feeling good
I don't feel bad
I'm just honest and alone
Evaluating
Someday soon I'll maybe put in some windows
And drapes and
I'll paint
And I'll move some things back in
I'll decide where they
Fit
Best. I'll decide
A lot of things
I know you miss me
I miss you too
I'm sorry about everything
How it all got so cluttered
You can come back in
Eventually
But please
Its
Just me
In here
For now. 

Prayer For Instead

From my very first decision to get sober....

God.
God grant me the serenity
To accept the things I cannot change
Grant me the serenity
To accept the Meth
To say the word
To accept the gang-bangs with drug dealers
Caught on film somewhere on the Internet
That punctuation at the end of a run on sentence
That began with a capital M
For Molestation at the beginning of my life
Allow me the peace to accept y HIV positive status
To see the positive in that status
To accept my HIV
As I have accepted the freckles, moles, uni-brows
And homosexuality in my life
Allow me the heart with enough need for love
That I can love my HIV because it is now
And forever will be a part of myself
Because I just love myself, one day, that much
That I wrap my arms around this disease
And welcome it int my family, regardless
Let me hug my HIV, God.
Allow me to love my body that much
Help me to feel united with the countless
Gay visionaries
The angels of the past who have
Died of AIDS
Help me to heal
And finally say
I’m sorry
I’m sorry that they died because of what they
Did not know
I’m sorry I chose to ignore what they
Died trying to tell me
And love myself enough to still feel
Part of that band of angels
Because I am a gay
Artist with HIV
Not just another
But indeed another
And help me see that we
Don’t just have
A disease in common
Help me see
That we
Are all sent here
With a message
Allow me to accept myself
And my past
That much
All of it.
Please.
The things I cannot change
Let me love them instead
God grant me the serenity to accept
The things I cannot change
And the courage to change
The things I can
Please God give me that strength
And start by letting me brave enough
To sit down and talk to myself
Because as crazy at it seems
After all the millions of hours I have spent
In my life
Chatting, gossiping, rambling, and shooting the shit
With other people
It will take a real and certain strength
I know
To finally sit down
Cut the shit
And talk
To myself
Help me to stop hating myself
And begging for everyone to fix me
Long enough to gather the courage
To love myself
And ask, instead, for someone
To help me
Help me stop worrying
What will happen
And start wondering
What will happen
Instead
God, give me the gusto
To sleep homeless if I need to
In park alone with my consequences
And accept them as my own
Allow me the vision to
See responsibility as a key to freedom
And not as a cage of punishment
Help me see what I did wrong
And what I’ve done right
With the same clarity
Help me finally stop focusing on myself
Inside of a friendship or a relationship
And instead focus on myself
Inside of a room alone
Help me fill that lonely, ugly room
With comfy furniture and unconditional love
God grant me the serenity to accept
The things I cannot change
The courage to change
The things I can
And the wisdom
To know the difference
Because right now it all just seems
Like the same to me
But I know I want to know
Someday
What it means to love my past
Because it is already
And to love my present
Because of what I do
Help me organize this messy, lonely room
Just me and you
And while I talk to myself in love
As I put away this stuff
Feel free to join in my
Conversation.
Amen.

Every Poor Rhyme

7 days a week

I seek

To sleep

In your arms

Your charms

Wrapping me

In a sea

Of doves

Of love

From above

So hug

Me

Please

And squeeze

My pieces

Back togetherForever

The Moon Apologized

The moon apologized for being there

When I was raped

And described to me the terror

Of having to not only watch

But provide the light

Like a father forced to hold the lantern

While someone rapes his daughter

The moon apologized to me

Though it didn't need to

I accepted

You Tell Me

You tell me where to go

From here

Because I've never been there before

I've never seen life outside of

What I cannot have

You stand there

And turn around

And yell out to me

What you see

So I can know what to look for

What does it look like to live

Inside of success

Tell me there is a bench out there

With room for me

Next to you

And I will follow

Your promises

Until I can take off

This blindfold

Break In My Hands

Sing me a song




With such a delicate sound




That it could break in my hands




And help me keep it together

While You Lie Sleeping

While you lay sleeping next to me

I think of protecting you

Because you finally gave me

The last leg up I needed

To see myself as strong enough

To protect someone

And the first person I chose

To look after was you

So here I lay

While you sleep

And I wrap us both in light

And I call upon every last God that

Has ever been a part of my life

To join me

And I see your guardians and

Your guides

And your spirit animals

I see your light

And my own

And my protectors

My guides

My angels

And all of it

All of them

All of us

Are circling this blessed bed we

Lay on together

And filling this place with so much light that

I cannot sleep through it

I bat away your nightmares

And dissolve my doubts

Certain that your protection

Is more important than my sleep

You leave me tomorrow

For the other side of the country

But you don't ever leave me

And I will always be there

In your light

Giving you mine

Surrounding your bed

With every part of me

That i give you tonight

That you give me tonight

That the gods give us

To sleep in.

Drip

The quiet peace of my

Inner most

Watches me fuck in dark alleys

And without judgement

Holds a vigil

With a million candle lights

And silence

As I walk home

And drip

Until He Comes

Sucking dick on park benches

Won't bring him any closer

As though the man I'm meant to

Sit inside a Derek Jarman film with

The lazy bacchant lover I'm supposed

To have

Is in the balls of a million strange men

And it's up to me to suck him out

I wish there were anything beautiful

In this world

To get me by

Until he comes.

La Pared

When I was a three year old

He took me out to show

Me a fountain where the goldfish

Watch over your wishes

He had much more to show

Than I needed to know




And after him I feel like I was on

The wall

And you could push me over if you want

But you can't be there when I fall

For me




When I was fourteen later in my youth

I wanted to make sure it was me who knew

How to be in charge

So I called

An older man with no name

To come and claim me

And when my family had all gone

I gave him a virginity I never had

I tried to grab onto

Myself but I lost it all




And after him I know that I hit

The wall

And gave up knowing what was on

The other side at all

I tried to catch my breath but i hit a wall

And I did my best to catch the blood

While it'd streak my face and fall

From me




When I was 19 I moved to the East

And thought I ditched the wall

But a man walked me home drunk

One night and I listened when he talked

He said I needed him to help

And he'd be there in case I fell

He led me down into the trees to

Show me a quicker route

When he ripped the belt from my young waist

I knew what he was talking about




After him I was underneath

The wall

And I tried to push myself back up

But by now I was just too calm

And no one sees me now just

A wall

I can stand the dirt and and the sand

But I can't answer

I can't hear you when you call

To me




When I was 23 years old I put the wrong things into me

I let the same men who brought me hell

Have the lock and keep the keys

And I chocked in sweat until I coughed up nasty HIV

Sitting underneath the wall you catch

What rolls downstream




And after him I know that I'm inside

The wall

I ask you how can something live

With no air to breathe at all?

And you can climb and kick or try and dig

To travel underneath

But I am now whats between you

And the side that you cant see




And I watch you as you walk away

And do not turn around

You tell me that Im broken, lost

And someday you hope I'm found

But how can you find what's hidden in

The wall?

You can look a lifetime if you'd like

And I'll be here standing tall

The wall




After me I will walk away from

The wall

And I'll sit with tears on the other side

And watch this fucker fall

I am what will one day break down

The wall

If I've learned anything I learned how

To be a wrecking ball

Nothing breaks better than from inside

So I hide inside and plot within

Pushing back against

Both sides

And you don't have to know what's on my mind

But I will give you hope

That I'm still going

And I'll show you that I'm fine

And you can one day come and watch it fall

Drink the daylight breathe the air

And understand it all

With me.